Well… my hunting has died down, but not for too long. It has just been super imposing and a lot to take in. Besides we are talking about research on hundreds and hundreds of years of ancestry. I won’t give up though; I plan on making a very nice Family Tree to treasure and pass along to my children. Knowing our past is very rewarding and fundamental to life… it brings substance and completion.

I will finish my task at hand in time… I will.

Now I wanted to write about this the other day when it happened, but was way too upset at the moment. Me and my sweetheart had decided to wash our vehicles out in the yard, they were filthy. I pulled her car over closer to the hose and my motorcycle as well. I went into the shed to grab my Rain-X car wash, Eagle One wheel cleaner and my special netted sponge to start washing. I noticed my sponge was missing instantly and nonchalantly asked my mother where it was. She snapped back, “I didn’t touch your stuff.” Okay I thought… then as I though about it I realized the chemicals themselves were moved from the initial top shelf I had placed them the previous time I used them to wash my bike. So then I said, “Well. the two bottles were moved and the sponge was wedged in between them… why were they moved and the sponge was now missing?” Once again her reply was harsh and nasty, “I didn’t touch your crap so stop asking me.” Then all hell broke loose, I started losing my temper and getting mean back… then words were said.

Which brings to the fact that I hate fighting with an upmost passion! It’s horrible. Things are said in spite, feelings are crushed, insanity is risen to peaks and esteem is push to the dirt. It sucks. Anyway I proceeded to just grab two wash cloths to wash out vehicles. Started washing… and my mom lashed out with quips and nastiness and I retaliated. It wasn’t right and I know it fueled the fire, yet I did what I knew how to… defend myself and stand up. She then, once again, threatened to kick me out in 30 days. Lovely I thought… she is complaining about how me and Erin haven’t found an apartment and we are using her…? Is this a sick joke? Yes I need a roof over my head and no I’m not in work right now, because of my injured hand, but does that warrant being kicked out and trashed like this? Her son… her first. Wow… I was really thrown off and confused.

See.. my intentions are good but I feel so much like a star that can shine so bright, though I don’t get the chance and opportunity I need to shine. It hurts… it drags me down to the slums of all crap. All I want is to be in school and earning my life to be something more than a common laborer or part-time worker in a retail store. My only hesitations are that I won’t commit to the schooling unless I know for a fact I can complete it. Meaning that with my mom threatening to kick me out or her not being able to pay the electricity bills or something for me to do online courses then what? I’m stuck between being a failure and loser… not what I want.

Something will give one day, it has to. I have a bright outlook and know I can do so much good and be good at doing things. I will get my break someday.

I know I will….